As I lay here and doze off my breath is taken away from me as I recall the most horrible sound. The sound of deep pain, uncontrollable screaming, and pleading. As the tears start to roll down my cheeks, I quickly realized it was not a bad dream I was reliving my reality and pain of that day over and over again. Something overtook my body, something I had never experienced before, something no one should have to experience...it was grief of the worst kind. My only son was gone and there was nothing I could do to save him. It did not matter that he was my everything, that I kept him safe 9 months inside the womb and 5 months in my arms, or that he was colic most of his life and that I put his needs before everyone else’s; to make sure he was happy and healthy.
Life was just starting to fall into place. My son was finally happy, he was giggling, interacting with his sister who adored him, and even rolling over. The day I got the unimaginable call I was so happy my family was complete and there was so much love shared between the four of us. We were a picture-perfect family in my eyes. But in a second that was all taken away from me and all I can do is relive that horrible moment repeatedly.
That moment replays in my head every time I close my eyes and will haunt me for the rest of my life. It's me looking into those beautiful blue eyes, but they weren’t looking back, they were lifeless. I was trying so hard to be brave for my son as they continued to work on him, I guess because I thought that would help the nurses and doctors preform a miracle. I pleaded for my baby to come back to me while gasping for air and holding his still warm hand. I couldn’t process what was actually happing until the Doctor said there was nothing else they could do and called time of death. Then it hit me as I was allowed to hold my baby boy one last time not wanting to let go as the warmth and color left his body.
That is when my life changed forever, I will never be the same nor do I want to be. I cannot undo what happened as much as I wished I could and as much as I want to be with him, I know I have others I have to live for. But I promise that everyone will remember him if it is the last thing I do. Nicholas Miles you will always have a place in my heart, and I will fight for you every day.
I too know your pain! I miscarried my first child. My womb emptied out in a bed pan after having cramps spotting all might long. I was 16. And I was in love. As I looked into the cold metal bedpan I saw my baby. Head, 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eye sockets, pale pink,, umbilical cord and I stroked it with my fingers sobbing. A light entered in the shape of a pyramid over my baby, I asked it to wait it did, then it was gone. 2 nurses aides came in and looked at it and remarked it looks just like a real baby! Hurtful words I would replay many times in my head. No one told me…